reality

I really can't wait for the new year.
I am praying that next year will be better than this, fingers crossed.
I have been really confused lately. I don't know why, I just feel really lost.
I feel like i have been spining really really fast and everything is such a blur.
I'm scared if i don't keep my eye on something still, i'll fall.
I need to focus.

Boys

It's funny how they are always out of reach.

love

I don't even know why I bother wishing anymore.
Cos when it does not come true it hurts.
a lot.
I always wish one thing. every day. when I wake up. on the first star I see at night.
and I will never stop wishing it.
But i am happy. apart from on the 14th, thats when i'll pretend.
I don't know why I do.



I really want a old fashioned locket.

wow.

I really did not think I would care... and it's shocked me how much I do.
I feel like I have just been punched in the stomach.
My heart started racing and I could not breathe.

I think my only talent in life is knowing what my gut feelings mean.
If I have a sudden gut feeling I know what it is straight away and I am never wrong.
I guess it's good so I get over it quicker.
But knowing before I actually find out can be painful.



This is like a real kick in the teeth.
Fuck you.

Moonshine

Sometimes I feel there is a hole inside of me an emptiness, that at times seems to burn. I think if you lifted my heart to your ear, you could probably hear the ocean.
I have this dream of being whole again. Of going to sleep at night not wanting, wishing.
But sometimes when the wind is warm and the moon is full I close my eyes and dream of a life and love that time will lie down and be still for.
I wish my life was once again happy and bright; not empty.
Maybe i've had my happiness, maybe nothing will change; only the moon.

I have not written on my blog in so so long.
I missed it in a way because I just write what I think/feel then it's out of my system.
There is a lot of things that have changed recently;
I now have a job (FINALLY) bhs ;)
I adopted a BEAUTIFUL ferret that i named pixie; i love her to pieces.
Friends; I broke my promise to myself, i said i would keep in touch with my school friends but it's hard! I work all weekend now and my school friends are at school all week :(
hmmph.

I miss this this one person a lot.
I have been speaking to him for a loooooong time but i have only started meeting up with him more recently.
He would brighten up my day when it was really shit.
Seeing his beautiful smile made me beam.
Even though i complained about the abuse and the bruises,while you were abusing me and giving me bruises i was having so much fun and i know that you felt bad for hurting me.
Now you have moved an hour an a half away and it makes me sad.
from speaking to you every day to speaking to you every few weeks is awful.


life is a bitch sometimes.
SOOOOOO cute!

After years of trying to convincing my parents to let me get a ferret they have FINALLY said yes.
unfortunately it's goodbye to my Guinea Pig's.
It's the best thing for them as they are on their own so they have started to lose their fur from stress.
It's sad because I adore them and also it's losing one of the last pieces of my grandad :(
Also i have a job interview tuesday so fingers crossed!

I remember when I was younger listening to my mum or dads music thinking it was awful.
I have now started to appreciate it.
He is gorgeous.


I need my hair to grow. :(

Even though there is so many people around me, I have never felt so lonely.

I made a wonderful first impression today; 20 minutes late to my first animal health class...with an evidently strict teacher. nice.

Anyway i am ILL. Sore throat, runny nose the lot and i feel awful.
despite that life is pretty good.
I love college.
My dad's not being too much of a cunt these last couple of days.
And I am finally reading 'To Kill a Mockingbird' which I reserved in the library about a month ago and finally it has come in.
'Shoot all the bluejays you want, if you can hit 'em, but remember it's a sin to kill a mockingbird'
it's better than i expected it.
I would write more crap but I feel like I am dying so just look at this picture. mwah.

I really liked this week, I met so many new people.
I love making new friends, I'm not shy so I guess I find it pretty easy but it gets me all excited and happy.
I would love to know what they were thinking when they first meet me.
I was reading back through old msn conversations today and what people describe me as;
Impulsive, mad, giggly, friendly, sweet, cute, random, bubbly, empathic, funny, superstitious, sarcastic, outgoing, geek...
I can't really be bothered to write anymore but there you go.
I don't really know if that's what I am like I have never really thought about it until now.
Who am I really? Truthfully I don't know; I guess you only really find yourself properly when you are older.
I am enjoying college, I have only been in for a week but it feels like I have been there for ages.
I love how our little group has formed already and have our little bus group it's nice.
I also like the freedom college gives you....and the chickens outside the form room.
The only thing is it's exhausting; getting up at 6 nearly kills me but I can deal considering it's only for 3 days a week.


I went to the zoo today, It was so fun.
Going down the slides, running from someone, ayesha's bubblegum dance, feeding the goats and donkeys, giant slug's with seats, the song on maya's phone.
Such a good day.
I love the zoo, i forgot how beautiful some animals are Tigers being one of them.

It rained today for the first time in a while (well I use the term 'a while' loosely as it is England but a couple of days is good)
I like it when it's dry and cold, but I always underestimate the weather and go out wearing a t-shirt or something; I freeze.
I got out my coat today; it's pretty shabby but I love that coat, I have had it for years and it smells really nice and the smell never goes away.

I realise now how much some people depend on me, it's weird;
Phone calls when they are walking on there own or waiting for something.
To get the bus with them at 2 o'clock.
For a phone call to cheer them up when they are sad.
To buy cigarettes.
To go to Tesco.
Blowing raspberries on their tummy when they are sad (weird).
I can't really think of it all right now and my hands are so cold it hurts to type so it's good that I'm not typing a long list.
Just those little things make me feel all 'warm inside'.
I have never really understood that phrase but it seemed fitting.
I like it that they chose to depend on me.
You can proberbly tell by now that I love black and white photographs.

I feel really sad today, I hate being sad.
It's not the sort of sadness someone can snap you out of by making you laugh or being nice.
I can barely explain it, you feel it internally; you feel sick and your stomach feels knotted like your on a roller coaster you hate and you can't get off and you get a bad adrenaline rush.
It makes me feel drained also, like the only thing today I wanted to do is lay in bed and be left alone.
That is no way to deal with sadness so I went out, even though I felt pretty miserable I tried to have a good time.
My mum kicked off my sadness last night talking about my Nan and Grandad and saying that they are not around anymore they are dead and gone and that's it.
I don't believe that.
I am not religious nor do I want to be.
I don't know what I believe in, but my main thought is that you go onto another life (I hope that's what happens)
I also think that your 'spirit' is around somewhere.
I find it very hard to believe that my Grandparents are actually gone I doubt I will ever believe it.
It's 7 months since my Nan died on Tuesday and it's also 4 months since my Grandad and I still don't accept it.
I just get on with it really there is no point moping around about it but I do get days like today every so often
It makes me appreciate my friends even more.

I hate it when people stare at me; half the time I pretend I haven't noticed;
I want to know what they are thinking.
Today at college some guy was staring at me from the other end of the Que at it made me really paranoid like was there something wrong with my face, hair or clothes.
It really bugs me because I will never know what he was thinking.
Also when someone is looking at you and you make eye contact accidentally what do you do?
I always find myself in this situation and I panic usually I just smile which probably makes me look slightly retarded.

I'm going to the zoo on Friday, I love the zoo it's one of my favorite places.
It will be a bit of a sad occasion for me because that was the last place I went with my Nan and grandad.
I find animals so amazing, like how each one is adapted to it's environment, how they all look so different.
Wolves are one of my favorite's they look amazing,
they should be like a wizards pet.
I wish I was like one of them people that can communicate with animals even though that would be really weird
I'm wishing again I really should stop.

I enroll in college tomorrow so I will finally have something to do with my time :)
I can't wait to start my course because I love learning new things, I sound like a bit of a geek but oh well.

I have been spending time with someone that I use to spend a lot of time with and it has really meant a lot to me.
We use to be so close and it upset me how far we had drifted, now we are really close again and it's nice to be able to talk to her about everything again.
I have realized lately that you have to make a big effort to keep your friends close and I'm going to keep it up now because there is no way that I want to lose these friends I have now.
That includes my new friends.


Someone today asked "whats your earliest childhood memory?"
I don't actually know but there is a few memory's that are pretty early like when my parents took me to a funfair with my sisters and I remember sitting in the buggy eating a giant lolly and wishing that i could go on the 'big kids' rides.
I also remember going to the new forest to Burley and looking out our old jeeps windows at the horses and the forest that looked so magical to me.
I love the new forest it has such a nice feel to it; I love how horses just roam free it's nice :)
They have all these cute little thatch roofed houses with little picket fences and pretty little gardens that look like something from a fairytale and you expect the garden gnomes to come alive.
They have some weird shops there; apparently Burley use to inhabit witches so they have shops with all this cool old fashioned stuff in and a museum.
It would be such a nice place to live but I would get so bored because it is quiet I would hate the isolation.
When I get a house I want it to have a red door.

I had a nice day today considering the fact i had this huge argument with my mum over a nail file.
Which just this second i found :|

I have decided I really want a cat, I was obsessed with them when I was little.
They are sooooo adorable but my stupid brother is allergic to them :(
Even though they are very independent animals they are so nice to snuggle up to and hug.
Not that my dog is not good for snuggling.
I have an English Bull Terrier called Angel and she is my pride and joy, I love her so much she is my baby and she thinks she is tiny so she jumps all over you even though in reality she is a fat lump.

I have decided to stop eating fish now even though I ate it very rarely I can't bring myself to eat it anymore as I feel SO guilty when I do.
So now i don't eat meat or fish so I have to start taking supplements so I don't get ill.



Someone today made me realize that I write about things 'I wish' for.
I do wish for a lot of things, I only do it in hope that one day at least one of them will come true
but i highly doubt they will, still it's nice to have some hope.
I really want a bouncy castle in my back garden, you are never too old for one.

I am reading all my previous posts and i now realise how many spelling mistakes i made.
Whoops.

I had a good day today, It started off really boring as EVERYONE is back at school/college.
3 more days until i enroll -.- it is going to be the longest 3 days of my life.
I just want to start I have been off school since may and i am really looking forward to starting my course and meeting people.
It's a fresh start which is nice and I don't have to wear an ugly school uniform :D
Today i decided that I am never going near an onion again as i chopped one up and it blinded me for about an hour.

I saw someone today that I was so close to last summer and I had not seen him in ages and I spent hours with him and it made me realise how much i missed him.
This is what i meant before about keeping in touch. I am shit at it.
I hope that we will stay close this time because just being around you cheers me up and you get me is fits of laughter.

I found this book that i LOVED when i was little 'Fairy Stories for Bedtime' so i decided to read it last night and I discovered that I still love it.
Fairy's are so cool, I must sound like this massive fairy obsessed loser but if you read this book you would feel the same.
I want a tattoo of a fairy, I think I'll get it for my 18th.

Also there should be a full moon tonight but it is so overcast that you can't see it which is annoying.
I like full moons, they seem sort of ominous, it is so beautiful to look at.

I miss coming to berko to see you, and getting lost when meeting you.
I miss sitting on your bed and watching skins and laughing at your ocd over you music.
I miss you introducing me to your friends; sitting in Costa or the bloc.
I miss going to your house and nearly getting savaged by your cat.
I miss it when you say something to me that you think is perverse and then ask if I'm okay.
I miss our phone calls; you giving me advice or me giving you advice.
I miss you telling me stories about people that i don't even know.
I miss your hugs, you room and your 'green' jumper.
I miss coming to yours and sitting in your room while you eat.
I miss your parents asking me if i want any dinner.
I miss you helping me walk through stinging nettles.
I just miss you!
You are my best (boy) friend and i have not seen you in what seems like forever :(
There are two people that I miss so badly it hurts.
I would do anything to talk to them or see them one last time, but their death makes that impossible.
I can only hope that you two are happy and are still around somewhere.
I hope you can hear me say 'I love you' every night before I go to sleep.
I know you would not want me to cry but it is hard I just miss you so much it is unreal.
I cannot believe that you are actually gone, I still think to myself "I'll make some cakes for you" or "Nan will want to see this"
The dolly that i made you is in mums room now and I cry whenever I see it because I know that you loved that so much; just because I made it.
You would have been so proud of me when I got my results back because we always use to joke about how I'm thick.
Nothing and no one can fill the hole in my heart that you two took with you
I'll miss you everyday for the rest of my life.

I love you.

This picture that my lovely friend decided to draw of me brang me so much joy.
:')

Fairy ring

I wish you could do everything you want to do in life.
Taking a full time animal management course at college does not allow me to do anything else i want to do like drama and singing; both of which are great passions of mine.
It's annoying because you have to choose.
I have wanted to be a veterinary nurse since i was a kid, but i also have been singing since i was little as well.
Also i don't want all my hard work for my grades to be for nothing.
I guess I could keep them as hobbies but it would be a waste I guess.
I also wish I could play the piano and the guitar.

It is officially autumn now, my favorite-ish season, it's cold; not too cold but cold enough for you to wear jumpers and scarves and it's relatively dry.
Autumn is such a pretty season in my opinion, all the leaves fall off the trees and everything is orange, brown and green; very earthy.
October is the best, I love Halloween; it sounds silly because I am 16 years old and it is a kids thing but i still love it and i would be very surprised with myself if i did not love it when I'm old.
It's not the dressing up bit, even though thats fun. It just feels magical really.
When the boundary between the living and the deceased is dissolved, pretty cool.
I also think it's cool how Halloween is a pagan festival and the masks were worn to hide peoples faces to confuse or imitate the 'monsters' that emerged that day.
Asda is always a fun place round halloween to see all the crappy decorations they have to amuse little children.

I don't see why i am rambaling on how i love autumn so much because i bet when it get's to october i will be wishing it is summer.
This summer has been pretty lame weather wise...


I remember reading stories when I was little about fairy rings, they always said never to step into one or the fairys would take you away.
Was that supposed to scare me?
I would love to have been taken away by fairys!
I use to step into every ring i came across in hope that they would take me away.
I was a sad 6 year old.
Maybe one day the fairys will take me away and i will regert stepping into all of those rings.

Rain, rain go away.

I am so fed up of the rain;
today it just rained non stop, the sky was like black it's pretty depressing.
On a brighter note I am feeling pretty happy despite the slight cold i have contracted.
I enroll in college next friday :) It sucks because summer is over and most of my friends go back to school or start college this week so I'm going to be booooooooooooored.
Also seeing you today made me realize what I'm definitely not missing.
Don't try and worm your way into my life again.

Regret

There are some decisons you make and you think that you have made the right choice,

but there are some to regret everyday.

You are my biggiest regret, I never thought i could feel like this about you considering that your a dick to put it plainly.

I hate the fact that I can't hate you and it's making me want to hate you even more it is sooooo frustrating.

You are completly wrong for me.

I would wish on every star if it would rewind back time so i would have never of met you.

Also stop being a smug cunt.

I have given my page a break from my erratic blogging,
i had a really good day today, i had a short conversation with a certain someone; it was magical.
It got me worried though, i have made all these new friends and now summer is over we are most proberbly going to drift.
It's werid how you can make friends with someone and then stop talking to them without thinking anything of it.
I'm going to make more of an effort.
Also i need a job, soooo skint :(.

ABBBCCCCCDD

I feel awful today as a result of a good night,

I got all my GCSE's so I have been accepted into college :D.
Had a lovely day, went shopping and went to Charlotte's to stay the night.
Was a good night apart from the sleeping arrangements, Lucy, Wilson and I slept in a shed, with a thin blanket to share and a wet patch, until we flipped over the mattress.
My allergy to the cold made the whole night very uncomfortable.
I hate it when you just want to sleep, your ready to sleep but you just can't!
That is what happened last night.
Lucy fell asleep for a while and I had a nice chat with Wilson.
Unfortunately I have a cold now.
I wish that you will just get out of my head, you fucked me over twice and I still cannot block you out.
I hate you for what you have done to me.
And if you think that we can go back to how we were, think again.

Tigers

What do tigers dream of, when they take a little tiger snooze?
Do they dream of mauling zebras, or Halle Berry in her catwoman suit.
Don't you worry your pretty stripped head we're gonna get you back to Tyson and your cozy tiger bed.
And they we're gonna find our bestfriend Doug and then we're gonna give him a bestfriend hug.
Doug, Doug, Oh, Doug Douggie Douggie Doug Doug.
But if he's been murdered by crystal meth tweekers, well then we're shit out of luck.

The Hangover is one of my favorite films,
it makes me laugh so so much.Also, GCSE results tomorrow.
I have never been so nervous in my life!
Urgh i feel sick.

Two more days until GCSE results! ahhh.
I am SO scared, if i have not passed I'm fucked.

Anyway i just wanted to have a little rant to myself;
I am so fed up with guys at the moment, I wish i was attracted to girls it would make life so much easier.
My best friend is being mucked around by someone that i would never have expected to treat anyone let alone her like that.
I realized today that i must be clinically insane for ever thinking about a certain someone in a friendly way let alone in any other way, it makes me feel sick; specially the fact that he probably wore more make-up than me.
I'm sick to death of just being seen as a piece of ass!


Cyanide & Happiness @ Explosm.net

Change.

I'm excited about starting college but I am also dreading it.
I hate change, and this year everything has changed.
I lost two big parts of my family, and it's been hard.
Losing someone usually brings a family closer together, but it's torn mine apart.
You never know how much a person means to you until they are gone and it changes your life.
My friends mean so much to me, they are my family, I saw them every day at school,
chatted to them in lessons, sunbathed on the 'forbidden' grass patch.
Now we are all going our separate ways and it's so weird.
And my older friends are going to university, some who I talk to you basically every day, it's so sad.
Keep in touch.

There is also a few people that I am so glad to be rid of.
Specially this one person, I have not know him long
but he is everything I hate in a person.
Every little thing about you makes me want to poke my own eyes out, and your arrogance is so uncalled for as you have no reason to be.
To think I ever considered you as a friend makes me question my sanity.
Good luck in life, you won't get far with your horrendous attitude.

Why is the Giraffe licking the Squirrel?

star

Star light Star bright,
First Star I see tonight,
Wish I may, Wish I might,
Have the wish I wish tonight.

I still say the rhyme in my head every time I see the first star,
I can't even remember how long I have been doing it.
It is a habit I quite like.

The sky is clear tonight which is nice. With so many street lights on so few are visible these days.
I like to sit out my window at night at really look at the stars,
it is such a pretty sight, Sometimes I sit on my window sill for hours looking at stars and thinking.
Often me and Lucy sit on deck chairs in her garden when it's starry, we just sit chatting for ages and listening to music. It is so so relaxing.
I wish that just for one night all the street lights will break so I can see how much more beautiful the sky is.
I wish I was at Lucy's now to see the stars.

swings.

It is so annoying that it's basically winter again and this summer we have had like a week of nice weather. I want to move abroad right now but unfortunately i'm not old enough nor can i afford it.

I had a lovely day today round my best friends house, no matter how bored we are we always end up in hysterics which is one of the things i love about her, she can make any situation fun.

We watched Jarassic Park even though i protested, and we went on a lovely walk down a canal (D:)

and played in a park like 5 year old's.

Going to Thorpe Park monday :) hopefully the weather wont be crap.

night timee.

I spent a lovely night watching horror movies with my main bitch.

I love girly nights in with people you have not spent a lot of time with in a while, you get to catch up and tell them things you have been itching to tell them for a long time.
The new friday the 13th movie was quite hilarious really, it's so predictable and it stars Jared Padalecki which makes watching the film worth while, even if the film was pretty poor.
The last house on the left was good, so fucked up though, it made me cringe about 10842 times. was good though, unfortunately the sexy man died, sorry for ruining the ending for those who have not seen it ;)




Mmm, Beautiful.

It's amazing how you can know someone so well but they believe all the shit that people have been saying about you recently. I get really upset when people say untrue things about me, but now i have started to realise that when lies are told it always makes the liar look good. So i'll tell you what, say what you want darling because in the end it's you thats going to look like a twat when the truth comes out.

I'm happy today that i have finally found the excuse to wear my favourite white dress. The weather is amazing, it's starting to seem more like summer.
There is like no clouds in the sky, can't wait to get out and soak up some vitamin D i'm looking quite pasty at the moment which is never nice.
All i need now is to find something to do really.
Also i have found the most amazing shoes ever they are £80 but i will get these babys if it is the last thing i do!

if anyone ever insults you and they put a '(L)' at the end always reply with this

"that little msn love heart has touched me, that's what will keep the tears away tonight"


one of the funniest and best comebacks i have ever heard!
:')
lucy sonner has done me proud.
xx

:)

Lucy Sonner is a hoe.







But i looove her.

Men

Men make me so angry! I can never understand how they work. They say they like you then they act like a prick, whats up with that?