I remember when I was younger listening to my mum or dads music thinking it was awful.
I have now started to appreciate it.
He is gorgeous.


I need my hair to grow. :(

Even though there is so many people around me, I have never felt so lonely.

I made a wonderful first impression today; 20 minutes late to my first animal health class...with an evidently strict teacher. nice.

Anyway i am ILL. Sore throat, runny nose the lot and i feel awful.
despite that life is pretty good.
I love college.
My dad's not being too much of a cunt these last couple of days.
And I am finally reading 'To Kill a Mockingbird' which I reserved in the library about a month ago and finally it has come in.
'Shoot all the bluejays you want, if you can hit 'em, but remember it's a sin to kill a mockingbird'
it's better than i expected it.
I would write more crap but I feel like I am dying so just look at this picture. mwah.

I really liked this week, I met so many new people.
I love making new friends, I'm not shy so I guess I find it pretty easy but it gets me all excited and happy.
I would love to know what they were thinking when they first meet me.
I was reading back through old msn conversations today and what people describe me as;
Impulsive, mad, giggly, friendly, sweet, cute, random, bubbly, empathic, funny, superstitious, sarcastic, outgoing, geek...
I can't really be bothered to write anymore but there you go.
I don't really know if that's what I am like I have never really thought about it until now.
Who am I really? Truthfully I don't know; I guess you only really find yourself properly when you are older.
I am enjoying college, I have only been in for a week but it feels like I have been there for ages.
I love how our little group has formed already and have our little bus group it's nice.
I also like the freedom college gives you....and the chickens outside the form room.
The only thing is it's exhausting; getting up at 6 nearly kills me but I can deal considering it's only for 3 days a week.


I went to the zoo today, It was so fun.
Going down the slides, running from someone, ayesha's bubblegum dance, feeding the goats and donkeys, giant slug's with seats, the song on maya's phone.
Such a good day.
I love the zoo, i forgot how beautiful some animals are Tigers being one of them.

It rained today for the first time in a while (well I use the term 'a while' loosely as it is England but a couple of days is good)
I like it when it's dry and cold, but I always underestimate the weather and go out wearing a t-shirt or something; I freeze.
I got out my coat today; it's pretty shabby but I love that coat, I have had it for years and it smells really nice and the smell never goes away.

I realise now how much some people depend on me, it's weird;
Phone calls when they are walking on there own or waiting for something.
To get the bus with them at 2 o'clock.
For a phone call to cheer them up when they are sad.
To buy cigarettes.
To go to Tesco.
Blowing raspberries on their tummy when they are sad (weird).
I can't really think of it all right now and my hands are so cold it hurts to type so it's good that I'm not typing a long list.
Just those little things make me feel all 'warm inside'.
I have never really understood that phrase but it seemed fitting.
I like it that they chose to depend on me.
You can proberbly tell by now that I love black and white photographs.

I feel really sad today, I hate being sad.
It's not the sort of sadness someone can snap you out of by making you laugh or being nice.
I can barely explain it, you feel it internally; you feel sick and your stomach feels knotted like your on a roller coaster you hate and you can't get off and you get a bad adrenaline rush.
It makes me feel drained also, like the only thing today I wanted to do is lay in bed and be left alone.
That is no way to deal with sadness so I went out, even though I felt pretty miserable I tried to have a good time.
My mum kicked off my sadness last night talking about my Nan and Grandad and saying that they are not around anymore they are dead and gone and that's it.
I don't believe that.
I am not religious nor do I want to be.
I don't know what I believe in, but my main thought is that you go onto another life (I hope that's what happens)
I also think that your 'spirit' is around somewhere.
I find it very hard to believe that my Grandparents are actually gone I doubt I will ever believe it.
It's 7 months since my Nan died on Tuesday and it's also 4 months since my Grandad and I still don't accept it.
I just get on with it really there is no point moping around about it but I do get days like today every so often
It makes me appreciate my friends even more.

I hate it when people stare at me; half the time I pretend I haven't noticed;
I want to know what they are thinking.
Today at college some guy was staring at me from the other end of the Que at it made me really paranoid like was there something wrong with my face, hair or clothes.
It really bugs me because I will never know what he was thinking.
Also when someone is looking at you and you make eye contact accidentally what do you do?
I always find myself in this situation and I panic usually I just smile which probably makes me look slightly retarded.

I'm going to the zoo on Friday, I love the zoo it's one of my favorite places.
It will be a bit of a sad occasion for me because that was the last place I went with my Nan and grandad.
I find animals so amazing, like how each one is adapted to it's environment, how they all look so different.
Wolves are one of my favorite's they look amazing,
they should be like a wizards pet.
I wish I was like one of them people that can communicate with animals even though that would be really weird
I'm wishing again I really should stop.

I enroll in college tomorrow so I will finally have something to do with my time :)
I can't wait to start my course because I love learning new things, I sound like a bit of a geek but oh well.

I have been spending time with someone that I use to spend a lot of time with and it has really meant a lot to me.
We use to be so close and it upset me how far we had drifted, now we are really close again and it's nice to be able to talk to her about everything again.
I have realized lately that you have to make a big effort to keep your friends close and I'm going to keep it up now because there is no way that I want to lose these friends I have now.
That includes my new friends.


Someone today asked "whats your earliest childhood memory?"
I don't actually know but there is a few memory's that are pretty early like when my parents took me to a funfair with my sisters and I remember sitting in the buggy eating a giant lolly and wishing that i could go on the 'big kids' rides.
I also remember going to the new forest to Burley and looking out our old jeeps windows at the horses and the forest that looked so magical to me.
I love the new forest it has such a nice feel to it; I love how horses just roam free it's nice :)
They have all these cute little thatch roofed houses with little picket fences and pretty little gardens that look like something from a fairytale and you expect the garden gnomes to come alive.
They have some weird shops there; apparently Burley use to inhabit witches so they have shops with all this cool old fashioned stuff in and a museum.
It would be such a nice place to live but I would get so bored because it is quiet I would hate the isolation.
When I get a house I want it to have a red door.

I had a nice day today considering the fact i had this huge argument with my mum over a nail file.
Which just this second i found :|

I have decided I really want a cat, I was obsessed with them when I was little.
They are sooooo adorable but my stupid brother is allergic to them :(
Even though they are very independent animals they are so nice to snuggle up to and hug.
Not that my dog is not good for snuggling.
I have an English Bull Terrier called Angel and she is my pride and joy, I love her so much she is my baby and she thinks she is tiny so she jumps all over you even though in reality she is a fat lump.

I have decided to stop eating fish now even though I ate it very rarely I can't bring myself to eat it anymore as I feel SO guilty when I do.
So now i don't eat meat or fish so I have to start taking supplements so I don't get ill.



Someone today made me realize that I write about things 'I wish' for.
I do wish for a lot of things, I only do it in hope that one day at least one of them will come true
but i highly doubt they will, still it's nice to have some hope.
I really want a bouncy castle in my back garden, you are never too old for one.

I am reading all my previous posts and i now realise how many spelling mistakes i made.
Whoops.

I had a good day today, It started off really boring as EVERYONE is back at school/college.
3 more days until i enroll -.- it is going to be the longest 3 days of my life.
I just want to start I have been off school since may and i am really looking forward to starting my course and meeting people.
It's a fresh start which is nice and I don't have to wear an ugly school uniform :D
Today i decided that I am never going near an onion again as i chopped one up and it blinded me for about an hour.

I saw someone today that I was so close to last summer and I had not seen him in ages and I spent hours with him and it made me realise how much i missed him.
This is what i meant before about keeping in touch. I am shit at it.
I hope that we will stay close this time because just being around you cheers me up and you get me is fits of laughter.

I found this book that i LOVED when i was little 'Fairy Stories for Bedtime' so i decided to read it last night and I discovered that I still love it.
Fairy's are so cool, I must sound like this massive fairy obsessed loser but if you read this book you would feel the same.
I want a tattoo of a fairy, I think I'll get it for my 18th.

Also there should be a full moon tonight but it is so overcast that you can't see it which is annoying.
I like full moons, they seem sort of ominous, it is so beautiful to look at.

I miss coming to berko to see you, and getting lost when meeting you.
I miss sitting on your bed and watching skins and laughing at your ocd over you music.
I miss you introducing me to your friends; sitting in Costa or the bloc.
I miss going to your house and nearly getting savaged by your cat.
I miss it when you say something to me that you think is perverse and then ask if I'm okay.
I miss our phone calls; you giving me advice or me giving you advice.
I miss you telling me stories about people that i don't even know.
I miss your hugs, you room and your 'green' jumper.
I miss coming to yours and sitting in your room while you eat.
I miss your parents asking me if i want any dinner.
I miss you helping me walk through stinging nettles.
I just miss you!
You are my best (boy) friend and i have not seen you in what seems like forever :(
There are two people that I miss so badly it hurts.
I would do anything to talk to them or see them one last time, but their death makes that impossible.
I can only hope that you two are happy and are still around somewhere.
I hope you can hear me say 'I love you' every night before I go to sleep.
I know you would not want me to cry but it is hard I just miss you so much it is unreal.
I cannot believe that you are actually gone, I still think to myself "I'll make some cakes for you" or "Nan will want to see this"
The dolly that i made you is in mums room now and I cry whenever I see it because I know that you loved that so much; just because I made it.
You would have been so proud of me when I got my results back because we always use to joke about how I'm thick.
Nothing and no one can fill the hole in my heart that you two took with you
I'll miss you everyday for the rest of my life.

I love you.

This picture that my lovely friend decided to draw of me brang me so much joy.
:')

Fairy ring

I wish you could do everything you want to do in life.
Taking a full time animal management course at college does not allow me to do anything else i want to do like drama and singing; both of which are great passions of mine.
It's annoying because you have to choose.
I have wanted to be a veterinary nurse since i was a kid, but i also have been singing since i was little as well.
Also i don't want all my hard work for my grades to be for nothing.
I guess I could keep them as hobbies but it would be a waste I guess.
I also wish I could play the piano and the guitar.

It is officially autumn now, my favorite-ish season, it's cold; not too cold but cold enough for you to wear jumpers and scarves and it's relatively dry.
Autumn is such a pretty season in my opinion, all the leaves fall off the trees and everything is orange, brown and green; very earthy.
October is the best, I love Halloween; it sounds silly because I am 16 years old and it is a kids thing but i still love it and i would be very surprised with myself if i did not love it when I'm old.
It's not the dressing up bit, even though thats fun. It just feels magical really.
When the boundary between the living and the deceased is dissolved, pretty cool.
I also think it's cool how Halloween is a pagan festival and the masks were worn to hide peoples faces to confuse or imitate the 'monsters' that emerged that day.
Asda is always a fun place round halloween to see all the crappy decorations they have to amuse little children.

I don't see why i am rambaling on how i love autumn so much because i bet when it get's to october i will be wishing it is summer.
This summer has been pretty lame weather wise...


I remember reading stories when I was little about fairy rings, they always said never to step into one or the fairys would take you away.
Was that supposed to scare me?
I would love to have been taken away by fairys!
I use to step into every ring i came across in hope that they would take me away.
I was a sad 6 year old.
Maybe one day the fairys will take me away and i will regert stepping into all of those rings.

Rain, rain go away.

I am so fed up of the rain;
today it just rained non stop, the sky was like black it's pretty depressing.
On a brighter note I am feeling pretty happy despite the slight cold i have contracted.
I enroll in college next friday :) It sucks because summer is over and most of my friends go back to school or start college this week so I'm going to be booooooooooooored.
Also seeing you today made me realize what I'm definitely not missing.
Don't try and worm your way into my life again.

Regret

There are some decisons you make and you think that you have made the right choice,

but there are some to regret everyday.

You are my biggiest regret, I never thought i could feel like this about you considering that your a dick to put it plainly.

I hate the fact that I can't hate you and it's making me want to hate you even more it is sooooo frustrating.

You are completly wrong for me.

I would wish on every star if it would rewind back time so i would have never of met you.

Also stop being a smug cunt.