i dont think i have ever felt so lost in my life.
and no one wants to listen.
i now feel like i am losing someone whom i love so so much because we have not spent nearly enough together over the past year when we use to be inseperable.
i just cant catch a break.

It still hurts to think about you.
It also makes me sick and angry.
I dont think this is something i can just think 'fuck it' and let it go.
I am happier without the greif and confusion you caused.
Yet i miss feeling wanted.
Never again will I trust someone like you.
Never again Jess, Never again.

I dont know if i ever want to fall in love.
seems scary.

Ok, now I have stopped feeling sorry for myself I feel a lot better.
I still don't forgive you though, and I never will.

..

I thought I had been treated badly in the past, I thought that I had felt as much hurt I could possibly feel.
but this, this hurts more than everything i have been put through before.
Just for one stupid night I feel like I have lost everything that I had built up over the years.
At first I just blocked it out, and now that reality has set in I feel crushed, and the more I think about it the more things I pick out which proves to me how little you care about me.
I feel so weird.
FUCK IT.

so. i'm 17 today. i don't feel any different really.
i'm determined to make sure this day is good, i'm not going to let you get me down.
but let me say this; the fact that your getting all smug about the fact that someone you don't even know 'likes you' shows how shallow and pathetic you really are.
seriously mate get.a.life.

HAPPYHAPPYHAPPYHAPPYHAPPYHAPPY :D

To be honest, I never saw you a the 'player' type and I am never usually wrong about things like this but you proved otherwise. Turns out that you are so transparent, I can't believe that I didn't see it before.
I pity you in a way, because you must be so insecure about yourself and how people perceive you that you feel that you can't stick to one person, you have to have attention from more than one person to make you feel good? even people you don't like? it's quite pathetic.
or am I wrong about that as well? is it that you just crave attention?
but let me tell you this my friend, things like this don't go down to well with me.
Also don't try sucking up to me now, I'm not a sucker for cheap flattery.

You really shouldn't have underestimated my ability to find things out.

I made a daisy chain today.
I love daisy chains, i still remember my nan teaching me to make them sitting under a blossom tree in a hospital garden.
Only this time i was sitting in my garden alone with a sleeping ferret on my lap and listening to creedence clearwater revival but the memory was so so vivid.
I still have that first daisy chain i made.
God i miss you.

I'm not sure of many things but there are some things I know for certain: always throw spilt salt over your left shoulder, keep rosemary by your garden gate, plant lavender for luck, and fall in love whenever you can.

I finally feel like I am out of the dark part of my life.
I feel like I can finally breathe and see again.
I am happy. I have have one person to thank for making me feel like me again.
I think he knows who he is and I hope he reads this.
Thankyou so much x

I can't actually believe it took something that a druken prick said to make me see clearly.
I might aswell just sleep with him to get it over and done with. thats all they want anyway.

I can't tell if i am wasting my time with you or not.

let me get this straight..

You say that you care about me,
That you worry about me and miss talking to me.
YET you don't keep your promises.
If you were worried about me you would have made the effort to check if i was okay.
You just keep contradicting yourself.
You really do cease to amaze me!

Random.

A - Available: yes.
B - Best Friend: I have a few..
D - Dad’s Name: Tom.
E - Easiest Person To Talk To: Emma Hughes.
F - Favorite Food: Italian.
G - Gummy Bears Or Worms: Worms.
H - Hometown: Garston.
I - Instrument: I don't play anything, i sing though.
J - Job: Unemployed.
K - Kids: When i'm older, sure.
L - Longest Car Ride: 7 hours.
M - Milk Flavor: chocolate.
N - Number Of Siblings: 3.
O - One Wish: To move abroad.
P - Phobias: clowns, Emu's, people touching my wrists and paedophiles.
Q - Favorite Quote: 'To see a world in a grain of sand and heaven in a wild flower, to hold infinity in the plam of your hand and eternity in an hour'
R -Reason To Smile: I don't need a reason to smile.
S - Song You Last Heard: You and me by lifehouse.
T - Time You Woke Up: 1pm.
U - Unknown Fact About Me: I have a mole on my hip that i like.
V - Vegetable: Brocolli.
W - Worst Habits: Biting my nails.
X - X-Rays You’ve Had: arms and legs.
Y - Your Favorite Pastime: Smoking on brighton beach.
Z - Zodiac Sign: Taurus.

regret.

It's strange how one mistake can make you think so differently of yourself.
I don't know why I did it. And if I could rewind I would not have done it.
I wish I didn't. but you can't change whats been done. I need to get on with it.
I'm not going to say what I did but I want to let anyone who bothers to read my blog I regret it.
I also want to say that our mistakes make us who we are, but after you make a mistake you cannot stop thinking about it, it's horrible. I want to block the memory from my head
I am a fucking idiot.

for the past couple of weeks I have been able to write pages and pages about my life, and how I have been feeling. It has made me feel a lot better.
I'm not a depressive person, I am generally happy but I am human and I have been through a bad year and there is no one that I can really talk to. So I'm going to start a journal so I can never forget what I was thinking and feeling at that moment in time. I'm also going to write about what I will do this year, not quite resolutions but something that should have been done before. So this is what I am going to do and the reasons for it.

• Race for life- Grandad I'm doing this for you.
• Get a car- My freedom.
• Go to Rome- To fulfil a dream of mine.
• Do well at college- University here I come.
• To protest against animal testing- To stand up for something that can't fight back.

thats all i can think of right now. i'll post anymore if i think of any.

I like...

Fairys, Pandas, stars, full moons, autumn, rainbows, sunshine, lavender, red doors, ferrets, wine, orangutans, jokes, joni mitchell, musicals, daisys, clovers, my charm bracelet, my pearl necklace, tea, coffee, cookie dough ice cream, pizza, not eating meat, brocolli, reading, singing, kisses, people playing with my hair, tarot cards, forests, fairy rings, sunrise, sunset, bitten nails, ACDC, supernatural, sleep, lay ins, snuggling in bed, laughing, smiling, sneezing, phone calls, cute texts, the smiths, writing a diary, tattoos, pirates, hugs, the smell of washing powder, animals, black and white photos, cold pillows, people singing me to sleep, practical magic, shes the man, family guy, the ocean, seahorses, holding hands, fireworks, perfume, having something to think about, not thinking about anything, american dad, xbox and being inspired.

How interesting!

I never knew that missing someone could hurt this much.
I would do anything to hear your voice or to hug you one last time.
It's been nearly a year now Nanny. And it's been the hardest year of my life.

I love you.

2010

Everyone keeps saying to me, 'this year has got to be better for you, it's got to be better'.
They said that about 2009 too. God knows what to expect this year.
Hopefully my bad luck spell will finally be over.